Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Ghost House

As I embrace my cup of coffee this morning, I try to relax. I listen to the dogs barking outside, the crow of our rooster, the tick of the big clock above our bed. I try to remember the excitement I felt when we moved here. The romance. The thrill of falling into a life of simplicity.
And yet...nothing is ever simple.
Construction continues in our building. First we must finish the new garage in order to clear out the old garage. ( not old really...we built it in the summer of 2013). Then the old garage will become our house. My brain calculates and focuses on a daily basis. Imagination goes wild trying to see my kitchen cabinets, the bath tub, the windows that aren't yet there. My heart rolls and turns and flops into some weird and mighty need to have this all done. To walk in and feel it. Touch it. Know it is finally time to stand back and adore it.
I love my husband, but his need for perfection is sometimes overwhelming. And my need to gaze out on the woods, watch the wild birds and laugh at the puppies seems to trump steadying the ladder, cutting insulation or finding that lost drill bit. This leads to friction. And slowly I realize that this entire house will be built from friction. Yikes!
It's hard to understand, I suppose. How this is a sort of limbo. An in-between life where I shamelessly wish away the days. Where I want to hurry up, hurry up....hurry up.
So, this morning, I try to breathe. Find my peace. Slow down, saddle up and go with the flow.
And I remind myself once again that nothing is ever simple.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Let It Go, Let It Go

These cold January days have made me feel guilty. When I'm sitting on the couch reading, watching TV or clicking through Pinterest, I always have this nagging conscious that says, " You're lazy". 
I look around to see the origin of the voice. Was it the dirty dishes in the sink? The soap scum in the shower? The stack of papers I still haven't sorted through? The supper I need to plan? They all add to the guilt.
Usually I silence them. Unless it's a giant loud voice like cleaning the garage, waxing the truck, or clearing the woods.( I shut those voices out as long as possible.)
But washing those dishes and throwing away junk mail doesn't take long. Thawing out some chicken breasts and setting aside a couple of nice potatoes takes only minutes. A few quick sprays and wipes will get the bathroom decent enough for a few days. 
I find that takes care of the guilt for awhile.
Even so, I sometimes take pause in the mornings. I'm on my iPad, husband is on his computer. We share a pot of coffee. I make eggs and toast. We rarely speak. We stay in our pajamas and watch old movies. We stoke the fire and return to our chairs where we curl up and surf the web. We YouTube. We Facebook. We email and blog and read.
Is this really laziness? Or is this life?
Is there anything wrong with doing what is comfortable? Have we not earned the right to wear pajamas all day, nap in the mid afternoon, stay up till after midnight to watch reruns of King of Queens? Who is to say it's not right to close the curtains and play xBox, dream over home design magazines all day and eat salt and vinegar chips at 9 am? 
Come summer, it's a different story. We eat an early and quick breakfast and we start a project. It might be planting a garden or mowing the yard or building our barn. It could involve cutting trees or painting trim or weed-eating brush. We move logs, plant flowers and sweep the porches.
Sometimes we work so late that it's dark outside before we slip in the house and eat supper. By then we are usually tired, dirty, hot and hungry. But our day was full and chores were finished. Amazing how hard work can make you feel so good! I decided to let it go. Ignore the guilt and live my life. 
It fits us well.

Vinegar chips, anyone?